All's Fair in Love and Woe: Chapter I

A Wednesday Fanfic

Sometimes Wednesday’s parents had good ideas, like when they decided to visit the home of Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin for a family vacation, or when they bought Wednesday her three-quarter cello. This was not one of those times.

“No.”

“Really? You enjoyed having Enid stay last summer,” Gomez continued, undaunted by the force of her tone. “So we thought you would like to have Eugene stay as well, especially since it’s the last summer before you graduate.” He punctuated the statement with a thrust of his foil towards the suit of armor by the wall.

Wednesday shook her head. “Eugene is not Enid, and this . . . is not what he’s used to at all.”

“I’m sure he would still have a perfectly tortuous time,” Morticia insisted.

Wednesday’s eyebrow quirked up. “He would, and not the good kind. He won’t want to come.”

Morticia spread her hands. “Why don’t you just ask? If he doesn’t want to, of course we won’t push it.”

Wednesday crossed her arms. “Fine. He won’t want to, though.” Her parents smiled, likely imagining they had already won. “I’ll ask him right now.” She marched out of the room and found Pugsley setting traps on the stairs for Uncle Fester. She set her foot carefully on the edge of the stair to avoid triggering them.

“Where are you going?”

“To my room to find my phone.”

Pugsley frowned. “Isn’t the point to keep your phone with you?”

She wrinkled her nose. “That sounds horrible. Why would I do that?” Pugsley shrugged and turned back to his traps. She tiptoed up the rest of the stairs and made it to her room unscathed, then found her phone and sat at her desk.

My parents think you might actually be deranged enough to want to stay at our house for a few days, she typed, then set her phone down and turned to her typewriter to continue her novel.

The sound of a scream announced a new text. That sounds fun!

He couldn’t actually think that, could he? We don’t have bees.

I think I’ll survive :) Enid liked to use smiling faces in her texts, and Wednesday had been forced to get used to it, but she didn’t think it applied in this situation.

It will be terribly boring.

I doubt that, and I haven’t had much to do anyway

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Wednesday dropped her phone and sat back, pursing her lips. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend time with her friend, it was just that things had been strange between them lately. He just kept giving her things for no reason, and then smiling about it.

In Wednesday’s opinion, smiling was supposed to intimidate. Most animals bared their teeth to warn away enemies and predators, so why should people be the exception? Her mother was very good at it. Her father was . . . less so, but he could intimidate if he had to. In no universe, however, would anyone consider Eugene’s smile remotely frightening. It was goofy, ridiculous, made him look several years younger than he was, and she could not understand why it made her feel so wrong and warm inside every time he did it.

It was annoying.

“What’s the matter?”

Wednesday looked up and found Pugsley sitting outside at her room at the top of the stairs, watching her. She smoothed out her expression. “Nothing is the matter. Eugene just told me he actually wants to stay here for a few days.”

“That sounds fun.”

“Yes. Fun.” She stood up. “I should go tell mother and father.”

Gomez, of course, was thrilled. Morticia was less effusive, but she spent the next week cleaning, washing the black curtains, and arranging bouquets of thorns in nearly every room. It seemed a bit excessive.

Then, at last, the day arrived, and her mother’s frenzied activity ceased. Exactly an hour before Eugene was supposed to arrive, Wednesday sat in a straight-backed chair by the door to wait. Pugsley joined her on the floor. “He’s not supposed to get here for a while.”

“I know.”

He frowned and tilted his head. “Are you nervous? You didn’t act like this when Enid came.”

Wednesday wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Why would I be nervous?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I was asking.”

She pursed her lips and turned back to the door. “He’s my friend. I’m not nervous.” Pugsley glanced at her dubiously, but didn’t argue.

She didn’t move again until the doorbell rang, then she leapt up, shouted, “I’ve got it, Lurch!”, and opened the door. Eugene stood on the porch, positively beaming. Her stomach flipped.

“Hi!” He tilted his head and waved.

“Hi.”

“I hope I’m not too early.”

Pugsley leaned around Wednesday to poke his head out the door. “You aren’t. She’s been waiting for a while.” Wednesday shot him a dark look.

“Really?” Somehow Eugene’s smile seemed to grow wider.

“Why don’t you come in,” she insisted before Pugsley could make things worse. She stepped aside to give him room.

“Just a second.” Eugene turned around and grabbed the handle of his trunk to drag it inside.

“Leave it,” Wednesday said. “Lurch will get it.”

“Yes,” Lurch groaned. She hadn’t noticed him come in the room. He strode out the door, grabbed the trunk, and tucked it under one arm.

“Thank you!” Eugene called as Lurch headed upstairs, then he came inside and took off his shoes.

“Ah, you must be Eugene,” Morticia swept into the room. “I was just finishing up in the garden, or I would have been here sooner.”

Eugene’s face lit up. “You have a garden?”

Morticia nodded. “Full of carnivorous plants. I do love them, but they can be a bit needy sometimes.”

Eugene gave a sympathetic wince. “My bees are the same way. They get upset if I leave them alone for a day”

“Oh, I hope they’ll be alright while you’re here.”

He waved her concern away. “They’ll be fine. They’re just pouty.”

“Ah.” Morticia put a hand on Wednesday’s shoulder. “Why don’t you show your friend around the house?”

“I’ll come too,” Pugsley said.

Wednesday looked between the two boys, then moved towards the living room. “We should start upstairs.”

Pugsley had a grand time showing Eugene around, introducing him to Aristotle, warning him about Uncle Fester’s tells that he was going to pull a potentially dangerous prank, and taking him down to the playroom, still full of all their old weapons. Wednesday wasn’t sure what to think. She kept expecting him to get bored of Pugsley’s prattling about guillotines and racks, or to politely decline seeing the piranhas as Enid had done, but he seemed to genuinely enjoy himself, even asking if they could go out to the garden so he could meet the plants.

“I really wanted a pitcher plant when I was a kid,” he explained as they went outside, “but I was worried about my bees getting too close.”

“Yes, making sure they eat the right things is the tricky part,” Morticia said as she watered her African strangler. “Wednesday always had to keep her spider collection indoors.”

Eugene spun around and grinned at Wednesday. “I didn’t know you have a spider collection.”

“Had,” she corrected. “They all died out, and I haven’t collected more in a while.”

Morticia clucked her tongue. “Such a shame they have such short lifespans. Oh, Wednesday, did you show our guest the library?”

“Not yet.”

“I’m sure your library is great,” Eugene began as he reached out and tentatively stroked one of the strangler’s leaves, “but I’d rather stay in the garden a little longer if you don’t mind. Libraries aren’t really my thing.”

“The library houses the entrance to the booby-trapped secret passageways through the house,” Wednesday explained.

That got his attention. “You have booby-trapped secret passageways?”

Wednesday’s brow furrowed. “You don’t?”

Eugene sighed and went back to petting the strangler. “My house is very small. Where would we put them?” She tilted her head to concede the point.

“I can show you the entrance later,” she said, “but don’t go in without either me or Pugsley, and definitely don’t go with Uncle Fester.”

“Dear Uncle Fester forgets not everyone is as indestructible as he is,” Morticia said fondly.

Eugene nodded slowly. “I guess human beings are pretty fragile when you think about it.” Morticia smiled and agreed.

The entire family seemed taken with him, especially Gomez. He always loved guests, but he seemed absolutely thrilled by Eugene.

“I’m not much of a fencer,” Eugene warned when Gomez threw him a foil and suggested they have a bout. “I generally prefer hiking.”

Morticia looked up from her knitting, shocked. “In the sun?”

Eugene shrugged, then fell into the proper position. “Depends on what kind of insects I’m hunting. Night works best for a lot of them.” Morticia nodded and returned to her work.

“Father, do try not to kill my friend on his first day here,” Wednesday said.

Gomez waved away her concerns. “We won’t try anything too serious. I just want to see his skill.”

Eugene grinned. “Rusty.”

Gomez matched his smile. “Then you just need some practice, my boy.”

Wednesday shook her head and pulled out a book, though it didn’t take long for her father’s laughter and repeated ‘excellent, excellent’s to draw her attention.

Eugene laughed as he shuffled forward. “This is much more fun when you’re not being graded.” He scrunched up his face. “Or the audience is making fun of you.”

“Of course,” Gomez said, “Everything is!”

Wednesday watched them over the top of her book, wondering why the scene felt almost nostalgic, natural. Her mother knitting in her chair, Pugsley rewiring Uncle Fester’s electric chair, Lurch at the harpsichord, Grandmama and Uncle Fester playing cards, and Father and Eugene fencing.

He fit in far too well with the family.

“You don’t come to town much, do you?” Eugene asked as Wednesday led him to the antique store her family preferred.

“What makes you say that?”

“Everyone keeps staring at us, and we’re not even that far from your house.” He glanced over his shoulder and tripped over the curb. Wednesday grabbed his arm to steady him.

“Mother and Grandmama often come out with Lurch to get groceries, but the rest of us usually don’t. We prefer to stay at home.”

“Makes sense. Your house is really cool.”

Wednesday pushed open the shop door and stepped inside as the bell rang. Eugene followed, eyes going wide as he stared at the shelves of books and knickknacks. “Ohh, I like this.”

“Good morning. How can I help–oh, Wednesday!” The shopkeeper bustled forward, weaving precariously through the towers of furniture and junk. “My dear, it’s good to see you!”

Eugene turned to Wednesday and raised an eyebrow. She tilted her head. “Mrs. Sutton is an old friend of Grandmama’s.”

Mrs. Sutton turned her piercing grey eyes onto Eugene. “And who is this handsome young man?”

Eugene stuck out his hand to shake hers. “I’m Eugene, a friend of Wednesday’s from school.”

“My, what a charming boy.” She patted his cheek, and Eugene winced. “Now what are you looking for today?”

“I need a new trunk for school.”

Mrs. Sutton tapped one long, maroon nail against her chin. “Hmm. A trunk. Oh! I have just the thing. One moment.”

She scurried off, and Eugene turned to Wednesday, barely concealing a grin. “She seems . . . nice.”

Wednesday huffed. “Not exactly the word I’d use.”

“I found it!”

The pair exchanged a look, then set off to locate the owner of the disembodied voice. They found Mrs. Sutton attempting to drag a large metal trunk back the way they had come. She smiled when they came into sight. “Oh, would you be a dear and help me?”

Even with the two of them, it was a struggle to make it to the door. Besides being heavy, the trunk was cumbersome and inconveniently wide, especially amidst the glassware, and Mrs. Sutton’s shouts of encouragement did not help.

“Why don’t you just leave it there by the door,” Mrs. Sutton suggested. “Lurch can get it when he comes to pick you two up.”

“Yeah, I think–I think that’s a good idea,” Eugene panted, sitting on top of the trunk, which had somehow not broken the wood floor when they dropped it. “When is Lurch coming again?”

Wednesday glanced at the myriad of cuckoo clocks on the wall. “Not for a while. Mother thought you would want to look at the other stores.”

“Cool. What else is around here?”

“There’s a candy shop just down the street,” Mrs. Sutton suggested. “My grandchildren always love going there.”

Eugene perked up at that, and glanced at Wednesday. It sounded like torture to her with spoiled kids, blinding colors, and ghastly screams, but he just looked so excited.

She pursed her lips and glanced away. “Fine. I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

It could hurt. Greatly.

She hadn’t been aware there were that many children living in the area, and each one was so loud. She stood in the corner of the shop, glaring at anyone who tried to get too close.

Something bright red dangled in front of her face. Her eyes widened, and she stepped backwards. Eugene grinned and waved the heart-shaped lollipop at her. “Sweets for the sweet,” he proclaimed dramatically.

Wednesday blinked. “What?”

He turned the lollipop around to reveal the white words painted on. “See?” He waved it at her again, so she took it and put it back in the large jar.

“I don’t like lollipops.”

“Me neither. I prefer chocolate.” He grabbed her hand and dragged her over to the counter, then let go. “What’s your favorite dessert?” Wednesday frowned and stared decidedly at he rows of chocolate squares behind the glass. Through the corner of her eye, she saw Eugene turn to look at her. “Did you hear me?”

“I heard you. Promise you won’t laugh.”

“Why would I laugh?”

She pulled out her necklace and twisted it. “I like strawberry cake.”

“Okay . . . why did you think I would laugh?”

She dropped her necklace and stepped over to the next display case. “Pugsley always teased me for it.”

Eugene was quiet for a moment, and she thought he had been distracted by the candy. Then he asked, “because it’s pink?”

Wednesday sighed. “Yes. Because it’s pink.” She glanced outside, hoping for rescue, and-yes! There was Lurch.

“You could fix that with icing, you know. Or dye. Dye would work too. And who cares if it’s pink? Strawberries are good.”

“Lurch is here.”

“Okay, give me one second. You can go tell him about the trunk. I want to buy something. You can’t go to a candy store without buying something.”

She glanced around the store, so stiflingly full of people. “Are you sure?”

He waved her away. “Just go. I’ll be right out.”

She turned on her heel and strode out to join Lurch across the street. “Hello, Lurch.” He groaned. “Eugene is still in the candy store, but I need your help carrying the trunk out.”

They managed to get it packed into the car right as Eugene came out of the store, carrying a brown paper bag. He waved and ran over, then held the bag out to Wednesday. “Want one?”

She glanced dubiously at it, trying to make out its contents, but all she could see were lumps in the paper. He grinned. “I think you’ll like it, but you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.”

She reached in the bag and grabbed a rather large chunk of something. It wasn’t till she pulled it out that she realized it was a chocolate-covered strawberry. As they climbed into the car, she stuck it in her mouth.

He was right.

Eugene managed to get through several days at the Addams house without an incident. In hindsight, Wednesday really should have known that couldn’t last, but he just settled in so well it didn’t occur to her until Pugsley burst into her room, panting from running up the stairs too quickly.

“Wednesday, come quick! Eugene’s disappeared!”

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